Article Summary:
When it comes to setting and achieving goals, trauma can create invisible barriers. It whispers, “You’re not good enough. Why even try?” Trauma teaches us to protect ourselves by playing small, avoiding risks or pursing goals we thik will earn approval rather than fulfillment. As we begin the new year, I discuss how to break out of these challenges in my new article — Manifesting Meaningful Goals : Why Healing Past Trauma Is The Secret To Success ♥️
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With the new year in full swing, I want us to begin by diving into the heart of goal setting — not just the how, but the why.
Why do some goals feel out of reach? Why do we sometimes achieve what we want and still feel empty? And most importantly, how can we set goals that are not only meaningful but also aligned with who we truly are and what we deeply want out of life?
This conversation will explore everything from the psychology of motivation to how unresolved trauma can block us from reaching our full potential. We’ll also unpack our ego and shadow and learn how intrinsic motivation leads to more lasting success — All from a Trauma Informed Perspective.
I’ll also share some insights into my struggles and lessons learned on my journey.
If you’ve ever struggled to figure out why you feel stuck — or why your goals don’t feel as fulfilling as you thought they would — this article is for you.
So, Let’s Talk About The Role of Trauma in Goal Setting
First off, trauma is often misunderstood as just the big, life-altering events we experience — what psychologists call “Big T Trauma.” These include things like abuse, accidents, or natural disasters. But trauma also includes the smaller, more insidious experiences that chip away at our sense of safety or worth over time — “Little t Trauma.”
This might look like being constantly criticized as a child, feeling overlooked, or lacking emotional support when you needed it most. Little T trauma is impactful not because of its intensity but because of its consistency.
And here’s the thing: trauma isn’t just about what happened to us. It’s also about what didn’t happen — like not being loved the way you needed, not feeling safe to express yourself, or not being encouraged to dream big.
Limiting Beliefs
This creates limiting beliefs about what we are worthy of or even capable of. It’s like the flea in a jar experiment. In the study, fleas are placed in a jar with a lid. At first, they jump as high as they can, but they keep hitting the lid. Eventually, they stop jumping so high, staying just below the lid’s height to avoid the pain. But here’s the kicker: when the lid is removed, they still don’t jump out. They’ve learned to limit themselves, even though the barrier is gone. And even more fascinating? Their offspring, who’ve never even seen the lid, mimic the same behavior.
This is how trauma shapes us. After being hurt, rejected, or dismissed, we create “rules” to protect ourselves: “I’m not capable,” “I’m not lovable,” or “I’ll just get hurt again.” Even when the circumstances change — when the “lid” is gone — those beliefs often stick around, silently influencing how we move through life. And like the fleas passing down their learned limitations, these beliefs can ripple into how we guide or connect with others.
Misalignment
That said, when it comes to setting and achieving goals, it’s no wonder trauma can create invisible barriers. It might whisper, “You’re not good enough,” or “Why even try?” It makes us feel undeserving — causing us to aim too low. Trauma teaches us to protect ourselves by staying small, avoiding risks, or pursuing goals we think will earn approval rather than fulfillment.
For instance, someone who experienced rejection might hesitate to pursue meaningful goals, fearing failure will only confirm their worthlessness. Trauma doesn’t just shape the goals we choose; it can hold us back from believing we’re worthy of achieving them in the first place.
When we set goals from a place of unhealed wounds, we’re often chasing external validation instead of genuine inner alignment. For example, if you’ve grown up in scarcity, you might believe that wealth or status will make you happy. But as someone who has walked that path, let me tell you: it doesn’t.
I once thought I needed the multi-million dollar home, the exclusive parties, and the luxurious lifestyle to feel whole. I worked hard, manifested those things — and when I got them, I felt emptier than ever. Why? Because I was setting goals from a wounded lens, not from a place of true fulfillment. I was running away from something instead of running towards something. And believe it or not, that mindset makes all the difference in which path you take and the outcome of your journey.
It doesn’t just shape where you’ll go, but how far you’ll go and who you’ll become in the process ♥️
Shadow Work
When it comes to achieving your goals, shadow work can be a game-changer. Shadow work is about uncovering the parts of yourself that you usually suppress or avoid — the messy emotions, fears, or habits that you’d rather not face. These hidden parts, often called your “shadow,” aren’t bad — they’re just the pieces of you that you’ve been taught to reject.
These might be traits like anger, vulnerability, or even ambition — qualities that, at some point, you learned weren’t “acceptable or unapproved of” to show. Maybe you were told as a child to stop being so emotional or to tone down your confidence because it made others uncomfortable. Over time, these parts of you didn’t disappear — they just went underground, into your subconscious, shaping how you see yourself and how you move through the world.
From a trauma-informed perspective, our shadow often forms as a protective response. If expressing certain emotions or traits led to rejection, criticism, or shame, you learned to tuck them away to stay safe. But here’s the thing: rejecting these parts of yourself doesn’t make them disappear. They show up in subtle ways — like projecting anger onto others, struggling with boundaries, or feeling disconnected from who you truly are. Healing isn’t about “fixing” your shadow; it’s about understanding and integrating it. When you can acknowledge these hidden parts with compassion, you can reclaim the pieces of yourself that you have fractured in order to make you whole.
When it comes to productivity, if you don’t acknowledge them, they can quietly influence your decisions, create roadblocks, and even sabotage the very goals you’re trying to achieve.
Your Shadow & Your Ego
When doing the inner work, you will come to understand that self sabotage occurs when your ego and your shadow are at odds.
For example, let’s say you’ve set a goal to lose weight. Your ego is excited about the idea of feeling more confident and healthy — it’s all about striving for that future version of you. But your shadow might have unresolved fears, like using food as a source of comfort, feeling anxious about being more visible, or even resenting the idea of giving up certain habits. If these hidden emotions aren’t addressed, they can lead to procrastination, binge eating, or giving up entirely, leaving you stuck in a cycle of frustration.
This tension shows up in other areas, too. At work, you might dream of a promotion, but your shadow could be scared of the extra pressure, longer hours or fear of being judged if you fail.
In relationships, you might crave deep connection, but your shadow might be terrified of rejection or vulnerability. These unspoken fears can hold you back, even when you genuinely want to move forward.
So how do you work through this? One practical way to begin shadow work is to identify where you feel resistance.
Grab a journal and write down a goal you’ve been struggling with — whether it’s losing weight, starting a business, or finding a healthy relationship. Then, ask yourself: What fears or beliefs might be holding me back? What do I gain by staying stuck?
Why Self-Sabotage Feels Rewarding
The truth is, we wouldn’t continue to engage in self sabotaging behaviors if it didn’t benefit us in some way.
I get it. This can seem like the ultimate contradiction — why would we stand in the way of our own success, happiness, or healing? That doesn’t mean self-sabotage is healthy or productive, but it often provides an emotional “reward” that keeps us stuck. Maybe it’s the comfort of the familiar, even if that familiar is painful. Maybe it’s avoiding the fear of failure by never trying in the first place. Or maybe it’s staying in a situation that reinforces old beliefs, like “I’m not good enough,” because challenging those beliefs feels scarier than living with them.
From a trauma-informed perspective, self-sabotage often stems from a desire to protect ourselves. Staying stuck can feel safer than stepping into the unknown. For example, if you grew up in an environment where success or happiness was met with criticism or rejection, you might subconsciously avoid those things now because they feel unsafe. In this way, self-sabotage isn’t laziness or weakness — it’s a strategy your brain developed to shield you from perceived harm. The reward is avoiding discomfort, uncertainty, or vulnerability, even if it comes at the cost of your long-term growth.
The hard part is recognizing that the “reward” of self-sabotage is temporary and comes with a bigger cost.
The thing is, the fear of success or even the fear of failure isn’t really about the goals or achievements themselves — it’s about what we think we’ll lose in the process.
Breaking Free
Your shadow isn’t trying to sabotage you; it’s trying to protect you in the only way it knows how. But the truth is, you’re not that scared little kid anymore. You’re capable of creating a life that feels safe and expansive. You can honor the part of you that’s scared while still moving toward the part of you that dreams big.
The choices we fight for can feel heavier than the chains we’ve escaped because freedom isn’t just about release — it’s about responsibility. When someone else controls you, whether it’s a toxic relationship, a restrictive work environment, or even your past trauma, there’s a strange comfort in not having to bear the weight of your own decisions.
The blame, the burden — it’s on someone or something else.
Imagine working in a job where your boss micromanages everything you do. They dictate your tasks, set your priorities, and oversee every detail of your projects. It’s frustrating, sure, but there’s also a strange comfort in it. You don’t have to decide what to focus on, how to structure your day, or even take full accountability for your work. If a project fails, it’s easy to say, “Well, they made all the decisions — it’s not my fault.”
While this dynamic limits your growth and autonomy, it also protects you from the discomfort of taking full ownership. Breaking free — whether by setting boundaries, stepping into a leadership role, or leaving that environment — means facing the weight of responsibility. It means that if things go wrong, you can’t pass the blame. But it also means that if things go right, you get to own that success fully. The same can be true for our romantic relationships. And that’s where true empowerment lies.
Can you think areas in your work life where you’ve let someone else’s control protect you from the discomfort of owning your decisions?
When you finally break free, the weight doesn’t disappear. It shifts. Freedom demands that you face yourself, your choices, and your potential, without the safety net of excuses or external control.
When you stop fighting the old and start building the new, you step into a kind of liberation that’s not about escape — it’s about excitement. What will you do with the weight of your own destiny? Will you let it terrify you, or will you let it transform you? The choice, as scary as it may be is also beautiful, and entirely yours ♥️
When you bring your shadow into the light, you can create a sense of alignment between the part of you that dreams big and the part of you that’s scared. This integration is what helps you move forward — not by ignoring your fears, but by understanding and working with them. And that’s when real transformation happens.
Why Change is So Hard
I get it though. This isn’t always easy, is it? Change — real change — is hard.
Change isn’t just uncomfortable; it’s biologically challenging. Our brains are wired to prioritize short-term comfort over long-term growth.
This ties directly to the window of tolerance, a concept from trauma-informed care that refers to the range in which we can function effectively under stress. When we’re within our window of tolerance, we feel grounded, present, and capable of making thoughtful decisions. However, when we step outside that window — whether due to stress, fear, or overwhelm — we move into either a hyperaroused state (fight-or-flight) or a hypoaroused state (freeze).
This is where the challenge lies: breaking out of your comfort zone often feels like stepping into uncertainty, triggering your body’s natural fear response. When your body shifts into a functional freeze response, it can feel biologically impossible to take the next step, even if your mind wants to move forward. So when you’re not moving forward or you find yourself procrastinating, it’s not because you’re lazy. It’s because you are overwhelmed.
This is where emotional regulation becomes crucial. Growth and comfort don’t coexist because stepping into the unknown literally requires you to override your nervous system’s desire to keep you “safe” in familiar patterns. It’s both biological and psychological. Your brain interprets the unknown as a potential threat, and your body reacts accordingly.
Learning to emotionally regulate in these moments — whether through mindfulness, grounding exercises, or simply recognizing your freeze response — is how you gently stretch your window of tolerance. Over time, this allows you to stay present and calm even in the face of discomfort, making it easier to pursue long-term goals.
The reality is, the journey to growth isn’t about eliminating fear or discomfort — it’s about learning to sit with it without letting it control you.
Because grit and emotional resilience are essential for sticking with long-term goals, yet they’re often blocked by unhealed trauma. If we’re emotionally reactive or stuck in survival mode, we’re more likely to compromise our values to meet immediate needs. This leads to self-sabotage and a cycle of frustration.
Hedonic Adaptation: Why “More” Isn’t the Answer
As we wrap things up, I want to end on this note: The only thing scarier than not getting what you want is getting exactly what you thought you needed — only to realize it doesn’t bring the happiness you imagined. I would hate for you to come a long way, only to reach your destination to realize you went the wrong way ♥️
This is the essence of hedonic adaptation, the tendency for us to quickly return to an emotional baseline after positive or negative changes.
We chase achievements, relationships, and milestones, thinking they’ll fill the void, only to find ourselves feeling just as restless, just as unfulfilled, once the initial excitement wears off. It begs the question: what are we really searching for?
The truth is, your goals were never about a destination but rather, an emotion.
At its core, hedonic adaptation is the idea that no matter how good something is — whether it’s a new job, a new house, or a new relationship — we tend to adapt to it. The initial happiness we feel from these external achievements fades over time, and we find ourselves returning to our emotional baseline. Essentially, our brains are wired to normalize positive changes, leaving us chasing the next thing, hoping it will finally bring us lasting joy.
This ties directly into destination addiction, which is the belief that happiness lies in the next milestone — the next achievement, relationship, or external validation. It’s the “I’ll be happy when” mentality. “I’ll be happy when I lose 10 pounds,” “I’ll be happy when I find my soulmate,” or “I’ll be happy when I get that promotion.”
If you need external circumstances to be perfect in order to make you happy, you will live on a constant state of suffering over things you cannot control.
The problem is, once you reach that destination, the satisfaction is fleeting. The shiny newness of the achievement wears off, and your brain starts looking for the next thing to chase, leaving you perpetually unfulfilled.
Hedonic adaptation is one reason why external achievements don’t fix internal struggles.
Only those who have reached their destination will tell you: being wealthier won’t make you feel worthier, having abs won’t make you feel more accepted, and your accomplishments won’t make up for the affection you craved but never received as a child. Success might silence the world’s doubts, but it can’t soothe the scars of being unseen, unvalued, or unheard when it mattered most. That’s why so many people with seemingly “perfect” lives — successful careers, dream homes, or loving families — still feel empty or restless inside. The real issue is that happiness, fulfillment, and healing come from within.
I know this sounds like a bunch of love and light bullsh*t. But the research confirms it.
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a leading researcher in happiness, broke this concept down in a way that’s easy to understand. According to her work, 50% of our happiness is determined by genetics — basically, we all have a baseline, or a natural “set point,” for how happy we’re predisposed to feel. Then there’s 10% that’s influenced by our circumstances, like where we live, how much money we have, or the big events in our lives. Here’s the kicker: the remaining 40% of our happiness is within our control. That means the choices we make, the habits we build, and how we respond to life’s ups and downs have a massive impact on how happy we can be.
This research is empowering because it shows that, while we can’t change our genetic wiring or control everything that happens to us, we can influence a huge chunk of our happiness by being intentional. For example, practices like gratitude journaling, spending quality time with loved ones, pursuing goals that genuinely matter to us, or acts of kindnesshelp us break free from that cycle of hedonic adaptation. Instead of chasing external achievements that might only make us happy for a moment, we can focus on internal practices that create lasting fulfillment.
What’s interesting is that studies have shown just how much we adapt. For example, research on lottery winners and accident survivors found that, after about a year, both groups returned to roughly the same level of happiness they had before their life-changing events. This reinforces the idea that happiness doesn’t come from what happens to us — it comes from what we do with what happens to us. So, while we can’t always control our circumstances, we have this incredible opportunity to intentionally shape our happiness by focusing on what’s meaningful and grounding. That’s where the real, lasting joy is found.
Re-Alignment & Opportunity Costs
So with that, let’s take this moment to realign. The happiest people have priorities. They decide what matters most and filter every decision through that lens. If you’re clear about the kind of life you want — whether it’s grounded in peace, purpose, growth, or joy — then every “yes” you give should bring you closer to that vision. The key isn’t just in knowing what to say yes to, but also in learning how to say no. Because here’s the thing: every “yes” that isn’t aligned with your priorities is a hidden “no” to something that could be.
Each misaligned ‘yes’ comes with a cost — what economists call opportunity cost. There are three types to be aware of: time costs, energy costs, and emotional costs. First, there’s the time cost. Every yes takes up hours you could’ve spent on something that actually matters to you, like building your career, deepening relationships, or nurturing your well-being.
Then, there’s the energy cost. Saying yes to things that drain you or stretch you too thin leaves you with less capacity for the things that light you up or move you forward.
Finally, emotional cost — this one sneaks up on you. Saying yes to obligations that don’t align with your values creates frustration, resentment, or even burnout.
You’re free to make whatever choice you want. But you are not free from the consequences of making those choices. By learning to say ‘no’ to what doesn’t fit, you make room for the ‘yeses’ that truly serve you. When your priorities become your filter, you’ll find yourself just as proud of the things you said no to as the ones you said yes to. And that’s when life starts feeling intentional instead of overwhelming.
When you’re out of alignment; the right doors won’t open for you until you’re the version of yourself that’s supposed to walk through them.
Sometimes, it’s not the opportunity that’s missing — it’s the version of you that’s supposed to step into it. Maybe the door isn’t locked; maybe it’s just waiting for you to grow into the person who’s meant to turn the handle. Because let’s be real: how many times have you wanted something right now only to look back later and realize you wouldn’t have been ready for it back then? Timing has a way of protecting us, even when we don’t see it.
Growth isn’t about “fixing” yourself; it’s about stepping into more of who you truly are. The opportunities that are waiting for you? They’re already out there, but they’re meant for the version of you that’s learned, healed, and grown through what you’re experiencing right now.
So if a door isn’t opening yet, maybe the question isn’t “Why won’t this happen for me?” but rather, “Who do I need to become for this to align?” And trust me, when that door finally swings open, you’ll understand why the wait was worth it. You’ll step through it not with doubt, but with confidence, knowing you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
What’s one small step you can take today toward becoming the version of yourself who’s ready for what’s next?
Resources To Support Your Journey
Before we wrap up, I want to share something that could really support you on your healing journey — the Resilience Planner. If you’ve been wanting to begin the inner work but don’t know where to start, this 2-in-1 trauma-informed journal and planner helps you to create space for addressing anxiety, managing stress and personal reflection, while also keeping you organized.
The Resilience Planner includes thoughtful prompts to guide you through emotional check-ins, daily reflections, and reminders designed to help you build healthy habits that foster emotional resilience and self-compassion, all at your own pace. So if you’re ready to take the first step toward meaningful change, head over to my website at www.ResilienceMvmt.com to grab your copy today. 🌿
Reflection Questions:
- Are your current goals rooted in fear, validation, or true alignment?
- How can you cultivate the feelings you want now instead of waiting for external achievements?
- What emotional blocks might be holding you back from setting or achieving meaningful goals?
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